LOTR Commercials Legolas and the Loreal Commercial
by PiscesAngel
Summary: Here we go again. This time...we're starting with...BOROMIR!
1. Legolas and the Loreal Commercial

Ok, so you have to wonder, is that his **REAL **hair? I mean, it's SO blonde and really freakishly long, you just HAVE to wonder.  
If you think about it, if it is his real hair, how long did it take to grow? A year? Longer? If it took less than six months, what'd they do? Slip him Rogaine? Yeah he popped those pills with his daily vitamin supplement (to keep the hair shiny and split end free of course!). Then we have the typical "Elf gets addicted to pills" headline only, the pills are vitamins and Rogaine, not pain killers or other drugs. Doesn't it seem like he'd be perfect for a Loreal Commercial?  
  
_We fade in on a forest. There's a waterfall in the background. Legolas (whom I like to refer to as 'The Blonde Guy' because it's funner to say and has a VERY nice ring to it) rides up on a horse. He Dismounts._  
  
"You know, after a long, hard day of killing orcs, my hair is the one that wants to die. By the end of a trip, my hair is very brittle and has spilt ends." (Shows Legolas in black and white looking at the end of his hair) "So to moisturize it at the end of the day, I use Loreal moisturizing Shampoo and conditioner. It revitalizes and nourishes your hair." Cuts to Legolas with his bow and arrows "So I use Loreal, because I'm worth it too!" shoots arrow through bottle or Loreal and girlishly flips hair over right shoulder with a gay smile.


	2. Get your OWN Fortune told by the Fabulou...

Ok, so apparently my Legolas bit was liked and enjoyed. I decided to take Aragorn-Adorer's idea and do another commercial along with my thoughts. This one is for Lord Elrond. After Elrond you get to chose from:  
  
Aragorn

Boromir (I know he died, but he could sell something...)

Or Galadriel  
  
Lynn101 – At the time I wrote this (I wrote it after the first one came out!) I didn't know it was a wig, but a friend of mine told me it was after the 2nd one came out and I was ranting during English.   
AAAclub – you know, if they did, they'd have every Orlando Bloom/Legolas fan buying loreal hair care products and saying 'now we're worth it to!' or something like that and then use it to try and seduce him or something. You always hear that the way to a mans' heart is through his hair....   
Popcornleader- Ok so you control the popcorn, I'll get butter man and together we can take over movie theatre's everywhere!   
Aragorn-Adorer- Yes I will read and review some of your stories!   
J.L. Harper- I already read and reviewed one of your stories (the completed story). I'll read the second one later. I liked it though! I have to agree with one of them in saying that we need a way to distinguish between scene changes. I got confused in the beginning and then realized what was going on.  
  
OK! Now, on with my Elrond Rant and his commercial!   
  
Ok, so when I went into to see Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the ring (heaven forbid we stick to short names, eh?), I had NO idea it was a trilogy. Dead serious. Never heard of LOTR. None of it. Well I had heard of The Hobbit and had read it many times, and I was vaguely aware that it was a prequel to a trilogy (I wanted to say Tri-quel instead of trilogy just there...that couldn't be good.) but I didn't know what it was called. So I sit down and watch the movie and it ends, and I scream out "THAT'S NOT AN ENDING! That's not an ending. What the hell was that?! That was NOT and ending." And then my friend I was with kindly told me there were two OTHER movies that went with it. Well, then we started to talk about the Council of Elrond. We couldn't remember what the greasy looking brown-headed guy had called the pretty blonde one (Thus he was dubbed 'The Blonde Guy), and we started to discuss Elrond. She (having actually read all the books) told me that Elrond had the gift of foresight. Well that got me thinking (a dangerous thing I know). And I realized, that Elrond was EXACTLY like Miss Cleo. Only he didn't speak with a bad accent or charge. But think about that, he could have. Can't you see him popping up on your television....  
  
_We enter a square white room. Elrond is sitting across from a white man, with black hair, that's very pale and in a suit._ "I have looked into your future Mr. Anderson...erm...I mean Mr. Andrews." _He takes a dramatic pause._ "You will be attacked by a bunch of screaming Legolas fans. You must escape. For there is only death in your future unless you don't." _Takes another dramatic pause_. Then, there's the announcer.

_"Lord Elrond, immortal Lord Elf of Rivendell has come. Call 1-800-FOR-SIGHT for your own personal reading! That's 1-800-437-4448. For the first 50 callers, you'll get the first 20 minutes free and then it's only 2 ½ cents per minute after that. ALSO, you'll receive this 'Lord Elrond saw my Future' t-shirt and a Lord Elrond Personal Water bottle and Towel."_

Lord Elrond: "Call me now!"


	3. Aragorn selling?

Lol. So Aragorn it is! Ok, thank you all SO much for your reviews and I'll get as many new commercials out as I can. Monday morning I'm leaving for a few days (just until friady), so I can't update. But I will update once I get back.

M.A.D. – What?

Crazy-Haldir-Fancier- Don't we all want one of those shirt? Personally, the water bottle would be fun too.

J.l.Harper – Ok. Gotcha. Laziness? Lol...I'm a big lazy fool too sometimes...usually only when summer hits (like now!)

Alright, we have to admit that Aragorn always looks REALLY REALLY gross after a battle scene, or after they ran for a really long time. You really just wanna grab him, throw him in a tub (hey! Minds out of the gutter!) and pour soap on him. But it seems like even with years of bathing, he wouldn't be clean because he just looks so dirty and greasy. I mean, all girls have a place for the lived-off-the-land, rugged type, but he just takes it a step too far. Which takes us to our next commercial!  
  
_We fade in to the final battle from LOTR: Return of the King. Our Hero's have just won (with Frodo destroying the ring, and the eagles coming and saving everyone's asses) and we see Aragorn taking the saddle off of his horse. He's covered in blood from orcs and any cuts he himself sustained in battle and also in mud.  
_  
"After a Battle, especially one like this, I'm not exactly in any condition to go to my coronation." _He walks into his castle and down the hall into his quarters were a shower awaits him._ "Being a human, I'm very likely to get covered in gross nasty crap, unlike that damn prissy elf...erm...I mean, unlike that wonderful elf that is very talented in moving swiftly." _Eye's dart around suspiciously_ "Therefore, I use Lever 2000. Its skin conditioning cleansers and crisp, invigorating scents leaves your skin feeling smooth and healthy." _Splits to Aragorn taking a shower only showing his upper back and sholders while he washes the grime from himself _"The body wash for all your 2000 parts that moisturizes your skin, wherever you need it most, leaving you feeling clean, soft and touchable." _Shows him are Arwen kissing_


	4. Frodo needs some color

DISCLAIMER: I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST BREAST IMPLANTS...JUST WOMEN WHO CLAIM THEY'RE REALLY THEIR BOOBS! OH AND I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST SKINNY PEOPLE...

Authors note: For those of who that didn't see, my friend Gina posted a review yesterday telling everyone that I couldn't get near fanfiction.net for some reason or another. this has been happening for the past week. Sorry guys about that, but heres the latest chapter!  
  
OK, so I kinda lost my list of spokespeople/products, so I recreated the list to the best I could remember and for those that I couldn't remember, I just thought of a new product. Well, I then did the only thing that could happen at this point: find the old list (figures!). Well this leaves me with doing one of two things:  
  
1) pick one product and write ONE commercial (BORING!)  
  
or  
  
2) write a commercial for both products.  
  
I chose the latter. As there was a request for Frodo, he will be next.  
  
did I mention this is part one of two?  
  
Ok, so I've ranted about Legolas' blonde hair (by the way I saw an almost lifesize card board stand up thing of legolas...I thought I was going to die. It was for sale and I would have gotten it...if there had been enough room in my car...) and how freakishly blonde and long it was. Well, what about Frodo's EYES? Wanna talk blue! I know blue. Everyone in my family has blue eye's going back to my great granddaddy (I'm not joking).   
  
They're supposedly "natural". Well, we all know what "natural" is in this day and age ("No, size DD really is my NATURAL cup" -- 4'6" twig that looks as if she survives off of a bowl of ice and three cheerios per week....you all know the ones I mean...they're the ones you want to throw food at...)  
  
And well, it seems to me that Frodo would be the PERFECT spokeshobbit for acuvue colored lenses.  
  
_We fade in on hobbiton. Frodo steps out of his hole in the hill._ "You know, my eyes have become quite famous for their blue-ity, But they haven't ALWAYS been this blue." _Freaky close up of Frodo's eyes. Frodo sits on a bench._ "IN fact, back when I was a young hobbit, no one would play with me because I was so pale and my eye're had no color. They were simply white with black dots. But then, a friend....well no wait...I had no friends....a terrified stranger told me about acuvue colored lenses.  
  
So I went to the eye doctor and after they cam out of their intial shock, they threw me out of the door and tossed packages of blue night and day contact lenses at me." _Shows Frodo running from optometrists building while dodging boxes of contact lenses tied to rocks._ "So after I changed my name (Hey you think you get as good as a name as 'Frodo Baggins' by means of your parents?), and moved back to hobbiton as they had shunned me and I was forced to live in a cave, _GOLLUM_, I became popular. And now, everyone calls me 'Blue Eye's!"  
  
_random passing hobbit_ "We do not!"  
  
"OI! This is my commercial!" _Picks up a rock and throws it at the hobbit. Poor hobbit is knocked unconscious_ "HA HA HAAA!!!! WHAT THEN?! OH YEAH! Go blue eye's, it's your birthday! Go blue eye's, Its your birthday! OH Yeah! It's your birthday!" Keeps repeating similar phrases in the backround while doing mid 90's dancesteps such as the cabbage patch  
  
ANNOUNCER: Talk to your eye doctor about acuvue colored contact lenses today!

The rest will come later as long as I can get to Fanfiction.net


	5. Frodo the counselor

Ok, so my first choice for Frodo was acuview contact lenses, but I have to say, that my second choice would be a counselor. A DEPENDENCY counselor. I mean, he helped gollum/smeagol (whatever you wanna call him) until boromirs lovely and kind brother stepped in. Sam however, wasn't helped. He just became seriously dependant on frodo, perhaps a little too much. But then Frodo helped Sam out, he kinda gave him that nudge to go and marry rosie. So its more of 'IF frodo WERE in fact a dependency counselor, then he'd help to create the problems and then make them go away'. Just read what I think his commercial would be.

* * *

We fade in on a white building. There are bars on the windows and a sign out front that says 'Baggins Mental Institution for Dependency Issues' in black letters. The camera shows a shot of a hallway with some doors and a tile floor. We enter a comfy looking office where Frodo is sitting with a Nazgul.   
  
"I am drawn to the ring. The one ring _TO RULE THEM ALL_" It shrieks.   
  
"I see. And, How does that make you feel?" He responds.  
  
"Horrible! I mean, how would you feel being drawn to a piece of metal?!"  
  
"Uh huh. And how does THAT make you feel?" Frodo askes making a doodle of a mountain spurting with Lava.  
  
"Are you even paying attention to me?!"  
  
"Of course. And How does that make you feel?" he draws himself.  
  
"YOU'RE NOT PAYING ANY ATTENTION! THE RING IS OUT TO GET ME! YOU'RE IN LEAGUE WITH THE ONE RING, _TO RULE THEM ALL_!"  
  
"And how does that-"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!" The nazgul runs out in mad panic. Frodo sighs and turns to the camera.  
  
"You know, I have a very difficult job. I help those that are dependant become independant from that which they seek. He's just taking a bit more effort than most. For example, there was Smeagol. Ah, Smeagol..." we fade in on a rather fat hobbit looking creature lying on a couch and Frodo sitting in a chair looking concerned and nodding. "You see," Frodo starts narrarating, "Smeagol was very dependent on food and became very over weight. So, we started talking and he created his own diet so that he was slowly cutting food out and wouldn't be so dependent." The Camera shows a before and after of Smeagol. "And smeagol started the new trend that everyone has to be really sickningly skinny! Its all the rage!" It cuts back to frodo who has found the nazgul that is now rocking back and forth making weird gurgling noises. "So remember, if you EVER are in need of a dependency counselor, remember, Frodo Baggins is my name, and am the best in middle earth." Shoots the gun (you know, the hand motion where your hand looks like a gun...) and winks with a head tilt. The screen turns white and the address and phone number of the institution fades onto the screen.

* * *

OK! I'm back. Here's the second part to frodo, and Strider-stalker, you had some great ideas...and i might end up doing two commercials for some people because of it. Don't worry, you shall be satisfied! Leave reviews guys! You know I love em! Oh...and Puerto Rico was amazing! You have no idea. It rocked.  
  
Whit 


	6. CAMMOO CAMOFLAGEand Boromir

This is dedicated to Strider-Stalker….

**We fade in on a forest. There's a river in the background and some really HUGE friggin statues laying on the ground. We pan the forest to find some weirdo with clown makeup on and a bright red shirt and pants on. The writing on the shirt reads "BULLS EYE!" The camera stops on him. He continues to try and hide behind a maple leaf. There's a dead silence.**

"HA HA! HERE I AM! SON OF BOROMIR….no wait… I messed that up….let's start over." He picks up the maple leaf and hides again.

"HA HA! HERE I AM! BOROMIR, SON OF THE STEWARD OF GONDOR!" He drops the leaf and jumps out with jazz hands. " NOW, I KNOW EVERYONE IS NOT AS AMAZING AS MYSELF AT HIDING AND TAKING MY ENEMY BY SURPRISE…"

**cuts to scene from Fellowship of the Ring where Boromir is running at orcs and blowing a horn**

"…THIS IS WHY I ENDORSE THE USE OF CAM-MOO CAMOFLAGE! IT'S MADE OF ALL NATURAL PRODUCTS: COW FAT AND LEATHER! Well, except for the thread, and the dye. And of course the polyester. And well, I guess you can't really count the spandex, or the iron on words…but other than that COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY NATURAL…I think…."

**Boromir tries to go deep in thought. He stops after about ten seconds and shrugs.**

"CAM-MOO CAMOFLAGE ALLOWS YOU TO HIDE YOURSELF FROM ANYBODY. I'VE USED IT LOADS OF TIMES!

**cuts to Boromirs last few scenes in Fellowship of the Ring.**

"AND JUST LOOK HOW I TURNED OUT!" Balls hands into fists and puts fists on hips. Gives a debonair smile.

**Announcer**: CAM-MOO CAMOFLAGE: IT COULD WORK FOR YOU TOO!

**Arrow flies from off screen to hit Boromir**

"ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!" Boromir calls out in pain.

"Sorry! It slipped!" Legolas voice rings out from off stage.

**Screen fades out**

In risk of sounding like the little girl from the poltergeist…. THEY'RE BAAACK!

I know, I know. It's been too long. I promise more will come. I already have five planned and I'll be doing maybe up to three for one group of characters. I hope you all enjoyed my first commercial back. I'm really nervous about putting it up….well about as nervous as someone going quail hunting with Dick Cheney.

Lol. Sorry. Had to make a comment.

Read and review.

Peace out and Good Reading,

Whitless


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